Communication


Life is full of things that can cause problems in a relationship, but when couples decide to go into counseling what is the most common subject/topic that they bring up to their counselor? It is communication.





Communication has a few things attached to it. There are underlying causes, some people just aren’t sure how to communicate, and sometimes there is more speaking than listening. Although there are many things that can drive couples to find help for their relationship, communication is a big part.


 Now the question is, why would that be the case? Here’s a little diagram that shows a simple explanation as to what is happening when we are trying to communicate. Those who are speaking with each other have thoughts and feelings that they want to express, so in their process of figuring out what they are going to say is shown with “encode.” They then select a type of media they want to use to express these thoughts (examples of media are words, text, video chat, email/mail, etc.). After they have chosen the media, they’ll send off their message for the person to decode. Then the process begins again. The process of communicating our thoughts and feelings can be tricky because our message may not be received correctly.

When we communicate there is more than just words that are relaying what we’re thinking. There are the words, the tone of voice we have, and non-verbal movements. Our words only communicate 14% of our message, while tone is 35%, and non-verbal is 51%. Much of what we are saying is coming through loud and clear even when no words are being spoken. This is why Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When it comes to marriage we need to communicate not only to be understood, but not to be misunderstood.”

Now there are four things that can deteriorate a relationship. Dr. John Gottman calls them the four horsemen of the apocalypse because they can bring an end to a relationship. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism is an attack on someone, or particularly a partner, that aims at the core of their character. Criticism often paves the way for the next one to come which is contempt. Contempt is putting yourself above your partner and is the greatest predictor of divorce. Defensiveness usually happens in response to criticism, and often causes a reverse of blame to the other partner. And the last is stonewalling which is when one becomes so overwhelmed with emotion that they just shut off. We have to be careful of these four horsemen from coming into the relationship and being aware of them can help you take the necessary steps to avoid them. For antidotes for the four horsemen go to https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/.

Now there are 5 “secrets” to communication.These do not need to be used in order, but they should all be used throughout the discussion.
  1. Disarming technique
    • This is when you are finding and focusing on the truth of the other’s statement. Especially when what they’ve said seems unreasonable.
  2. Express empathy
  3. Inquiry
    • “Did I get that right? I would like to hear more.”
  4. "I feel..." statement
    • When ____________(situation/event)
    • I feel/felt ____________(emotion)
    • Because ___________(thoughts)
    • I would like ___________(hope/desire)
  5. Stroking
    • Express admiration, appreciation
Doing these kinds of things aren’t “natural.” But that’s because we’re trying to create a relationship that is “supernatural.” Don’t get discouraged if your efforts don’t work out the first time you try them. It takes time to get things down that are uncomfortable and hard. But it will be a benefit for you and your relationship as you strive to apply these things to it.

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