Family Systems

Recently I have been learning about different kinds of theories that are used to try and explain why families are the way they are. There are four that are commonly used. There is Conflict Theory, Systems Theory, Exchange Theory, and Symbolic Theory. Each one is unique, and there is no right theory to determine why a family is the way it is. Families usually experience a bit of each one in their own homes. But the one I want to focus on is Systems Theory.

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

Imagine for a moment your current family. Who is the peacemaker in the home? Who does everyone

go to for relationship advice? Financial advice? To talk about drama? Were there unwritten rules in your home? Now, why do you think your family was this way? Every family will be different because every member takes on different roles and have different rules. These roles and rules create a system which contains subsystems (e.g. spousal, parental, siblings).

For example, in my home there is an unwritten rule to never talk about things that pertain to “the birds and the bees” with my parents. This unwritten rule caused my sister, who was married before me, to become the person I would go to if I ever had any questions pertaining to that topic. She had a new role fall onto her. This situation shows that some roles that we receive in our families just fall on us, even if we didn’t want them. And because families and the individuals in families aren’t perfect, many unwanted roles may fall on certain individuals to make a family system work.

Once a family has created their own system of how things should work, they often try to keep it the way it is. This is called homeostasis. Unfortunately, because life happens, these systems can be disrupted. At one point in my life my nephews were living with us while their mom was working in Virginia. I was on break from college and was living with my parents, one sister was married and out of the house, and the other sister was staying at home as well. I had grown up with only sisters, and the disruption of having two younger boys in their teens living with us was a hard adjustment. It was even difficult for my parents. There was a lot of conflict and misunderstandings, confusion and wariness. And because my family already had a system before they arrived, it was hard for us to create our homeostasis.

Sometimes in order to establish homeostasis families will have negative or positive feedback. A negative feedback helps to change behavior while a positive one allows the behavior to continue. There are times though where a negative feedback may be given because the situation or action is uncomfortable. For example, imagine a family that isn’t used to saying “I love you” openly and often. Then, this same family has a child that energetically proclaims it at an individual or family member who isn’t used to that kind of open affection. At first the reaction may be a negative one, but over time as the child continues to say, “I love you” the reaction becomes positive. Sometimes in order to make a change in the family system, consistency needs to happen.

Now families can have much more challenging circumstances than the few I have illustrated, but families are strongly knit together through their systems. It is often the connections that are within the family that can help each member get through tough situations in their lives. If your family wants to make a change in their system, be consistent in your efforts!